Unconscious fear of intimacy; fear of being loved; fear of commitment; do you allow yourself to be loved? These were a few of my working titles for this blog post.
The word that keeps coming up is FEAR or in other words, ANXIETY. I hear the word anxiety far more often in my practice than I hear the word fear. People are a lot more inclined to say, “I struggle with anxiety” than “I struggle with fear.” In any case, this is a blog post about fear, anxiety, intimacy and relationships.
Speaking of fear, I often hear people in psychoanalytic psychotherapy say, “I am afraid of rejection” or “Why should I even try when I know how it’s going to end?”
No one likes being rejected, that’s true, but we’ve all experienced rejection at one point or another. It’s familiar to be rejected – rejected by peers, rejected by friends, rejected by parents, siblings, lovers, partners, etc.
But as it turns out, what can be scarier than being rejected is actually making it work. I see people in therapy, who struggle to relate or connect with others and for whom true intimacy is an unfamiliar concept. Some are not in relationships, others have had many relationships and even children, yet they’ve never felt like they were ever truly honest, open and connected to their partners, never able to satisfy all of their emotional and physical needs with the same person.
Why is that? How is it possible that people keep having babies or keep going from one relationship to the next without ever really connecting to their partners? Could this be an unconscious fear of intimacy, a fear of being loved?
Yes, you are probably reading this hoping to find some answers, not ask yourself more questions. But contrary to the popular belief, psychoanalysis is about asking questions, asking THE RIGHT questions, not providing answers. At least not right away. The answers come but they are usually different for each individual.
So, I am sorry to disappoint you if this blog post raises more questions than it gives answers. Still, I can name some common patterns that I have observed that may suggest a fear of intimacy or a fear of being loved:
- Inability to commit to a relationship despite saying that you love the person
- Inability to remain faithful to your partner or any partner you’ve been with, despite feeling very strongly about him or her
- You don’t believe in monogamy and in fact, monogamy sounds kind of scary or even repulsive to you
- A history of multiple relationships, maybe even marriages, all of which unsuccessful, with strong emotions towards each partner or inability to feel much at all
- Feeling like something isn’t quite right in your relationship but not being able to pinpoint it; feeling like something is missing
- A tendency to unconsciously push romantic partners away that results in you feeling heartbroken and alone, yet again
- Always ending up alone, despite how hard you try to make it work with someone, and maybe asking yourself, “What’s wrong with me?”
Now, just because you may fit one or several of these patterns, it doesn’t mean that there is anything WRONG with you. Remember, in psychoanalysis, we look for people’s individual truths and this may not necessarily all be true for you. I don’t want readers to feel blamed or judged for what’s happening with them and their relationships, nor do I want to put everyone in a box.
However, if you DO recognize yourself in all or most of the above patterns of relating, it may mean that you have SOMETHING to do with how your romantic relationships end up. In psychoanalysis, we believe in personal responsibility when it comes to people’s decisions and actions.
Consider the possibility that you may be FEARFUL of being loved in a monogamous, committed, honest and intimate kind of way. There may be something too overwhelming, scary, and UNFAMILIAR about being loved in such a way.
Notice the word that I am using – UN-FAMILIA-R. I use it because we love and we allow others to love us in FAMILIA-R ways, as in FAMILY. The way our parents have loved us is often the way we allow others to love us and how we love them in return.
Do you want to talk more about your relationships and how you relate to romantic partners? Contact me to see if psychoanalytic psychotherapy is right for you.
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