“Hippo love” by Scott Richard; pic by torbakhopper flickr.com
Some of you may know that many of my friends and family are at the age of having small children right now, including myself. You can imagine that as a parent and child and adolescent therapist, I talk to a lot of other parents, who struggle with their roles of mothers and fathers. This struggle often impacts their romantic relationship as well.
As I am listening to people’s personal stories, I’ve started to wonder: Why do some people manage to stay together after they have children and make it work, while others seem to last no more than a few years before they separate? What is it about having a family that drifts some people apart and what is it that helps others stay together? Let’s look at this question and think about it from a psychoanalytic point of view.
Being in a couple is different from being a parent. When two people decide to have children together, they essentially make a commitment to be partners in one of the toughest jobs they’ll ever have – raising human beings as contributing members to our society. That’s different from going on exciting dates, having all the love and attention for yourselves and spending time together without interference.
Being a parent, even to a healthy child, puts a strain on a couple. Period. Being a parent of an emotionally disadvantaged, adopted or an ill/disabled child puts an even greater strain on the parents’ relationship and tests their ability to endure disagreement, anxiety, pressure, hardship and to overcome life’s unexpected curveballs. The most extreme example of a hardship that often results in a couple’s separation is the death or loss of a child. The inability to have a child of ones own is yet another example.
Ideally, if you have a loving partner in life, that’s the person you would like to have by your side when facing challenges, no matter what they are. Often times, unfortunately, people get tired, frustrated and emotionally exhausted – the prospect of a new, fresh love seems better than the tiresome routine of childrearing. This is especially true for the parent of an emotionally disturbed or disabled child (the “exhausted and frustrated” part, not so much “the prospect of a new love” part).
We tend to parent the same way we were parented. Naturally, when our parenting styles differ dramatically, disagreements and fights are about to happen. Sometimes, the fights can become physical, especially if one of the partners (or both) grew up in a domestically violent home. People tend to reenact these traumatic experiences with their own families when they have them.
Our own emotional struggles surface when we have children. Every child and adolescent therapist will tell you that having children can be very emotionally triggering for us parents as well. This becomes especially prevalent when your children reach an age that was particularly challenging for you when you were a kid, and gets even tougher if you have a child the same sex as you. Why? Because we have a tendency to identify with our children just like they identify with us, consciously or unconsciously.
In all of the examples described, going through your own therapy as a parent can be beneficial and ultimately, can result in the success of your relationship. Our individual struggles almost always show in our romantic relationships and there is nothing better you can do for yourself or your children than address them in your own therapy. Preferably, psychoanalytic psychotherapy 
It takes a certain commitment, dedication and endurance for a family to stick together and I am always very humbled to work with those parents, who do their best to stay together and fight for each other and their children, despite the difficulties.
Are you a parent facing challenges in your own relationship because of the demands of parenting? Please, share your experience in the comment section below.
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